My A Game is Long Gone

In my pre-baby, pre-pink slip days, I was a busy professional who managed large budgets and multiple projects. I took pride in my work and I was known for being the go-to person to get things done. It was a role that I thrived in. But since the little one arrived nine months ago, it seems like the wheels have fallen off my A game. 


When I went back to work, I had more than my fair share of bad days. There was the day I showed up wearing a shirt with spit up on the shoulder, then there was the time that I pulled a pacifier out of my pocket in the middle of a meeting, and of course the creme de la creme was the day that I noticed at 3 PM I only had on half of my makeup. Fortunately, nobody said anything to me and they probably didn't notice but I did and it bothered me. At time, I just chalked it up to the sleep deprivation and adjusting to being back at work after 12 weeks. 


Now here I am four months into unemployment and it seems as though I'm going through another one of these phases where nothing I can do is right. In the last week, I've washed my iPod (for the record, it doesn't survive the delicate cycle), showed up a day early for a playdate, and locked myself out of the house (fortunately, the baby was with me and not in the house.) 


Even though I don't have the day-to-day stress of getting up and going to a job. I am just as stressed today as I was four months ago. It's just different stress and different guilt. When I was working I was stressed out about being late to work, stressed about spending quality time with my husband and baby, and stressed about getting dinner cooked and the house cleaned. 


Now I'm dealing with the stress of having a very busy crawler on my hands who always needs to be watched and entertained, the stress of juggling nap schedules and babysitters for interviews, the stress of job hunting and the lack of quality jobs, the stress of having too much week and not enough money, and the stress of finding the time to do it all. Actually, I might be more stressed out now than when I worked and that makes no sense at all. 


What is it about motherhood that I can't manage? More importantly, am I the only new mom out there that can't seem to get it together? I don't know why or how but I hope I find my groove soon and get my A game back because at this rate there's no telling what will happen next.